I am Changing . . .

September 26, 2011 § Leave a comment

“Identity would seem to be the garment with which one covers the nakedness of the self, in which case, it is best that the garment be loose, a little like the robes of the desert, through which one’s nakedness can always be felt, and, sometimes, discerned.” ~James Baldwin

At my core, I am who am.  Throughout my life, I felt like perhaps my outside did not match my inside. Typically, I am only able to express my creativity, my uniqueness, and other intracacies through my shoes.  In the words of my godmother “My ego is in my shoes.”

Recently, I have decided to upgrade my health by getting to a healthy weight, making healthy choices, and revitalizing my healthy lifestyle.  I guess with success in weight loss (I am down to 215), comes the desire to change other things. For me, that is manifesting in a new interest in fashion, make up, and projecting my inner beauty everyday, not just on special occasions. I find myself reading fashion blogs, wanting to hit up the thrift store, Ross, TJ Maxx and other low cost fashionista options to change my wardrobe.

My co-worker is very thrity, but very fashionable. I’ve informed her that we will be taking a trip to the Smithfield outlets in October to spruce up my winter wardrobe.  She is on board.

When I first got my job, I was consumed with paying off debt, getting my finances on track, etc.  While I still have a little ways to go.  I think I have gotten to the point where doing something for myself a few times a month is required.  The past few weeks, travel has been at the top of that list.  Over the next few weeks it will be WARDROBE and MAKEUP.  Que . . .

 

 

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I Don’t Like You As a Person . . .

July 5, 2011 § Leave a comment

Happy belated 4th of July folks.   I hope you celebrated with style and class! 🙂

Yesterday, I sent the following text to a “friend” – “I don’t like you as a person. Lose the number. Thanks!”  Harsh, right. I know, but it summed up my sentiments quite nicely.  Of course, I was hit with a slew of text messages and a voicemail in response telling me my “words were strong,”  “I thought our ‘friendship’ meant more” and essentially questioning why I sent the text when the only thing that happened was a broken arrangement to see one another for the first time in nearly 5 months.

This “friend” is someone I was very interested in for a time. We met November 2010.  We immediately hit it off a spent every other weekend or so together. He lived in Winston, and at the time, I was in Charlotte.  And while all of the visits then were to my home, it wasn’t for my lack of trying to visit him at his home. It seemed as though I was never invited, even when I attempted to invite myself. So, he became the primary driver, and I became the primary provider. . . that is, he was never hungry, thirsty or bored in my presence.  Let’s keep it funky fresh and call it what it was, a FWB/mock-dating relationship.

When I got the job offer in Fayetteville, his first words were not Congratulations, rather “really, that’s so far away.”  I have been unemployed and struggling for months. Working temp jobs and babysitting just to stay afloat. Trying to treat all number of illnesses from home because I don’t have insurance. I get a job, with a decent salary and great benefits and your first thought is how I won’t be close to you any more?  If you were my best friend or someone with whom my relationship wasn’t primarily carnal with a dose a friendship in between, that comment may have been flattering. But, your concern was not that my quality of life was about to drastically change from the better, rather that you wouldn’t have anything to practice baby making with. Strike 1.

The move goes down, and per usual when moving to a new town, I spend the first few months a little lonely and trying to make friends. I haven’t spoken to my “friend” that this post is about much, and when I do, it’s all about when I am coming to see him.  The invitation was extended only when the drive increased by an hour – interesting. In any event, I have an alumni event and asks if he would like to accompany me to the event. He says sure. I bought his ticket, ask if he minds if I stay, he says sure. Cool beans. The event went well. His attire, sucked, but whatever. Sidetrack. After the event, we went to a wine bar and had what was probably the second most meaningful discussion of our “friendship”. . . that is the discussion about what we want from one another, where the relationship should go, if distance is a big issue, should we end it now, etc.  I left the bar feeling like progress was made and that my patience paid off. The next day, he parted his lips to say the following to me “You can never let a woman know what you are up to all the time. You can’t answer all her calls.  You have to call her when you are ready. You have to make her wonder what you are doing. Make her cling to you, don’t cling to her. If it’s the other way around, like if a man is wondering what she’s doing, she holds all the power. .”  Thank you sir, I think you’ve just given me a wonderful life lesson, and explained that as a man in his 30s you are more interested in the game then finding someone who you enjoy spending time with. Strike 2.

Incidental moment, he once told me he believes the government should offer a one time tax incentive for women on welfare to become sterilized.  Economic sterilization – Foul (not quite a strike because he seemed to understand the flaw in his theory after some heated arguments from me).

After strike 2, I stopped talking to friend for a while.  I needed time to asses whether the “friendship” was worth it.  I did invite friend on a beach trip, but withdrew the invitation after deciding I didn’t want to field questions about who he was to me when I wasn’t even clear.  I explained this to him.

And the straw that broke this camels back. Memorial day, “friend” calls and says he wants to visit. Well sir, I am in DC visiting an actual friend, so no.  Maybe some other time.  A few weeks ago, he asks what I am doing 4th of July weekend. I tell him I am going to Charlotte to visit my mom, another good friend, and spend the 4th in Carowinds.  He tells me he will see me when I get there. Fine. I am en route to Charlotte Saturday and I get a text asking where I am. I tell him I am on the way. The response, “you gonna swing through Winston and ride it.” WTF!!! I haven’t seen you in months, haven’t talked to you in a few weeks (and even then it was very superficial) and that’s what you say to me. My response, no.  A few more texts arrive, when can we hang out, blah blah effin blah. I suggest Sunday evening. He asks if I am coming to Winston.  Seriously sir. I just drove 2 1/2 hours to get here, why would I drive another hour to Winston.  After that, nothing. No calls. No text. No other indication that we can hang out during the time I’ve indicated that I am free.  July 4th, I get a smiley face. Hummmmm.  I simmered on that throughout the day.  While waiting at the bumper cars, I had an epiphany, “damn it, I just don’t like him.”  – Strike 3.

You sir have just been voted off the island!

Now, having read the 4 most prominent incidents in our “friendship,” peppered by the occasional movie, a conversation or two about ideologies, and the fact that we’ve known each other less than a year . . . was I harsh? Do I owe him an explanation? Is ignoring and allowing self reflection my only obligation at this point? Thoughts?

 

Who Controls Your Happiness?

February 20, 2011 § Leave a comment

Who Controls Your Happiness

“Some cause happiness wherever they go.” ~Oscar Wilde

As little girls, fairy tales teach us wait for Prince Charming to find us, fall in love with us, and then make all our dreams come true. Christian girls are taught the “he that findeth a wife findeth a good thing.” Over the years, young women have programmed ourselves to patiently wait for the men we care about to realize that they care about us too. We wait for weeks, months, years in hope that at the end of the waiting, we will be the happiest we’ve ever been.

Some us pursue other things, namely academics and careers. We tell ourselves that love will find us once we have our degrees and have begun our careers. While working toward these pursuits, we encounter men. Some of them are eager to start relationships, find a wife, and began working towards a life together. Most, however, are still exploring the world of women. Most are seeing what they can get away with. And we women (those of us who don’t end up with the few that are ready to commit in their early 20s) allow these men to dictate the pace of our relationships because that is what we are taught to do from birth.  In the meantime, we are unhappy.  We want more, but we are afraid to ask for it in fear that it will run him off. We compromise our religion, values and common sense in pursuit of some future happiness when we could be enjoying the world around us . . . when we could be happy, NOW!

It took me arriving at a great place in my life to realize that I truly am happy! My relationship with God is getting better everyday, my relationships with my family and friends are getting better everyday, I have a career that I love, and I wake up full of joy, everyday! I am not going to pretend like I don’t want to share my life, my joy, my love with someone else, but I understand more now than ever that my happiness is not contingent on man.

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